My Apartment is Alive...and it Wants Me Gone!

Don’t get me wrong, I love my apartment. Good size (minus the kitchen), great location, quiet, all things that I’ve come to love about my new place. But there are a few problems that aren’t visible to the naked eye, It’s these problems that have convinced me that my apartment is alive, and it’s pissed I’m there

Problem #1 – The Toilet
The toilet itself is interesting in the sense that it should be on display in a museum as one the earliest forms of the modern toilet. Having never been in prison, I can only assume that mine is only a small step down from those found in a maximum security facility. The thing is, I like the toilet, it’s actually pretty cool. The problem is the water I found on the toilet seat one night I went to use it. Since I live alone I was baffled as to how it got there, and I named it “The Wet Wonder”, because I wondered where the wetness came from…The next night I heard a gurgling coming from the bathroom and ran in to see that my toilet was bubbling like a volcano in a 5th grade science project. It seems that whenever anyone on my side of the building flushes the toilet, we all get a little aftershock. I’m just thankful I haven’t been sitting on the toilet to actually receive “Wet Wonder” of my own…

Really though, this isn’t what’s driving me out. It’s more of a little practical joke my apartment likes to play on me. The real problem is…

Problem #2 – The radiators
I’ve learned a few things about radiators since my time here, things I had never taken the time to learn before I moved into an apartment with three of them
1) Radiators are territorial – Much like the toilets, these radiators looked like they’ve survived the Chicago Fire of 1871. They were here first, and they want that known
2) Radiators are hot – And I don’t mean attractive. I mean they make my apartment somewhere between a greenhouse and kiln for pottery
3) Radiators are noisy – They start off like a tiny scratching and eventually build until it sounds like someone is trying to burrow into your apartment. Once the burrowing stops, the machine gun/jackhammer noises start. This lasts for approximately 5 minutes
4) Radiators are smart – Radiators only seem to make these noises between the hours of 3-6 in the morning. Also, rather than all three of them making this noise at once, they take turns, spreading the torture out over a period of 15 minutes

It’s a battle between me and the apartment, and so far neither of us has budged, but I don’t see how I can win. The radiator is a solid piece of hot metal with a endless amount of tricks up its sleeve…I’ll keep fighting the good fight